The season of love is about to end, and with it is to begin a season of lamenting the love and lovers lost. It is both naive and sad to see hearts breaking, as if made, literally of glass. The emotions losing their value and tears becoming as normal and undervalued as plain water. It leaves me reminiscing on our love.
Old is what I miss. We crave for novelty, for change, for a fresh vibe to our relationships, but there comes a time, when we realise, that old is what is the purest, and the most beautiful of all phases of a relationship.
I miss our old love, the love that, as fresh flowers, was fragrant with the scent of deep and new wounds on our love-struck souls. Always reaching out to conjoin, with each others’ soul, dive in and know each other more than anybody else could.
Like a puzzle to a curious toddler, fumbling with our naive feelings, wanting to be set free of all clutches, just so that we could run into the other one’s embrace, that deep, to-the-core deep, warm hug, a real painkiller.
I miss those puppy stares we exchanged, and that window-to-window mute conversations. There was so much love in those sweet little signs, most of which I couldn’t understand, since I was too busy admiring your smile, and blushing stupidly.
I miss those 3 hours long phone calls, which I couldn’t let go of even after speaking my heart out. The way we wanted to know every little detail of our separate lives, in an attempt to make them one. Huddled in some quiet corner of the house, or under the blanket at night, talking in hushed, muffled tones, wishing time would just freeze for us to enjoy those conversations for as long as we wanted. And that sure had to be forever.
I long for those tireless walks down those lonely streets, when the enquiring stares of passersby didn’t matter one bit and all that existed for us, was two of our love-drenched souls, caged in two different bodies.
I miss being in a trance, after meeting you for a few minutes, as if drugged with the liquor of your enchanting proximity. Smiling to myself, reliving the memories on loop, like the lyrics of a favourite love-song, far from being monotonous.
I want to go back to when all I had to do was call you and say a hello for you to know I needed your special therapy to make me feel sane and happy again. When we used to be too content with our love to need somebody else to lean on. When the nights were as alive as the days, with your voice, your smile, to fade the entire monotony to nothing, the way light drives darkness away. You were my light, the glimmer of sweet hope in the dark, unfathomable tunnel of life.
We are still together, still very much in love, but the original core of our love’s strength, is now enveloped beneath layers and layers of the dust and footprints of changing situations and time.
On this carousel of time, we sat together, but on different carriages, always wanting to hold the other one’s hand, but damn the distance, it never decreased. We came closer, and just when we thought we were the closest, when the ride was at its peak, there struck that one jolt, and I came plummeting down to earth, so fast, so off guard, that I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t stop and so, all I did was fall, down an unfathomable height, the height of our love, built of our own passion and desires, efforts and expectations, promises and dreams.
So when I hit the ground, I lost all my strength, all my will, all my hopes. It wasn’t a decision, but a situation I was in. A nightmare come true, one I wasn’t ever prepared for, and it caught me off balance, unconscious, with poison in my head. The wounds were bleeding everyday, getting nastier with each day that flew by, and I stood there, with my tired arms, scarred and bruised, waiting for you to come to me, catch me before my legs gave up the fight. But it wasn’t over yet- the pain.
The past and other people’s present, hit me like a punch to my tattered gut, a sharp wave of pain radiating through my insides, getting to my head. Those that came to see me hurting, left with flowers of advice and sympathy at my feet. The fragrance hurt my nostrils, just as every breath did. When I opened my eyes to see those beautiful flowers, my head would hurt, since there wasn’t much power left in me to focus on anything.
They would ask me to be strong, to let go of what was hurting me, to think about myself and how to heal, but there was no healing without you, no deliverance from the hurting without your arms around me, hugging my soul into your own. And all I did was wait….
Wait for you to come and bless my eyes once again, bless my ears, my arms and my thirsty soul, with the elixir of your love. It wasn’t like I had given up.
No. I just wasn’t very sane then. But yes, I had been waiting……